An Inconvienient Truth

I'd like to take this time that I would usually blog about materialism or immigrants and address an issue facing us all. I am, of course, talking about gnomes.


For centuries, gnomes all over the United States have been facing persecution from advocates of anti-gnomenism. As most people know, the great potatoe famine sent many gnomes over to ellis island, hoping to start a new life. However, their lives only got worse.

With the rise of industrialism, businesses began taking advantage of cheap immigrant labor, and gnomes were just one of the minorities used as cheap labor. Although their life was hard, the many years of working in coal mines and paving streets would not prepare them the utter life of misery they would endure with the rise of one of the most popular appliances: drying machines.

Because of their small size, gnomes were yanked from their homes, their families, everything they knew to work the many drying machines that were sold all over the country. They attempted to form a labor union to fight their imprisonment, but their cries fell on deaf ears. The gnomes were sad. Sadness turned to anger, which turned to acts of crime, namely stealing the socks that show up in their metalic prisons so as to make mankind suffer for their heinous crimes.

But be warned, the gnomes will not be passive for long. It wont be long until the gnomes turn violent in revolution, burning articles of clothing and wreaking havoc on suburban households. For the sake of all that is suburban, we embrace our gnome brothers in tolerance and equality, while embracing gnome-sound practices into our daily lives.

Do not wait, bretheren. Do not wait until they start taking more than our socks. Do not wait until the dryer machines stop working. Act now.

Until the gnomelution,

~Jared