Dismal Times

I have seen tempests, when the scolding winds
Have rived the knotty oaks, and I have seen
The ambitious ocean swell and rage and foam,
To be exalted with the threatening clouds:
But never till to-night, never till now,
Did I go through a tempest dropping fire.

And yesterday the bird of night did sit
Even at noon-day upon the market-place,
Hooting and shrieking. When these prodigies
Do so conjointly meet, let not men say '
These are their reasons; they are natural;'
For, I believe, they are portentous things
Unto the climate that they point upon.

Julius Caesar, Act I Scene III

As you can tell, ive had Shakespeare on the mind recently. Mostly because of the weather of late. Maybe its not like this in the other parts of Georgia, but I havnt even seen the sun today. Instead, there were just innumerable gray clouds rolling over, almost as if the wind on their backs would swallow time itself. Its been kind of crazy, and it really has started to remind me of Shakespeare. Whenever there was a storm in Shakespeare, you know some crazy stuff was about to go down.

As weird as it sounds, its made me very uncertain all day. This morning, I woke up to a thunder storm raging outside, and I almost feared for my life. I wish I knew what was going on, but if God indicates anything with weather, dismal times are ahead.

In fact, the weather itself is a pretty good description of my life right now. All is chaos, and nothing that seemed certain is even certain anymore. I more and more feel myself drifting away from this place, almost as much as this whole place seems to be drifting away from me. Of course, its still a very long time before I actually "go" anywhere, but things are already being put into place. Just like how everything starts to fall in to place by the second act. The question is, by the time I get to the final scene, will it be a comedy or a tragedy? (my vote is on the latter)

I always knew leaving home would be hard, but I dont think I ever thought it would be like this. The closer and closer the time comes for me to leave, the harder everything gets. The more storms rush in. The more people drift away. The more reality seems to slip away from me.

I think these next few months will be a trial by fire. It will be interesting to see who I come out as. I dont even think I will recognize myself.

All I know is rhat right now, what i'm praying is this:

LET IT RAIN


~Jared

(Part 5) A Dirge Unto Itself/(Part 6) Empty Room Revisited

Can you tell me, what is it you said before the lights went out?

Its the middle of the night, and here I am again. On my knees, begging for forgiveness that you wouldn't judge me too harshly for the things I've done. My red eyes strain from my self inflicted insomnia. Plunged in eternal dark, seeing the three of them laughing at me.

Whispered to me, and made me realize

Life is just a dirge unto itself.



What can you tell me teacher?

Does it all matter? Is it all meaningless? Please don't tell me that everything ive done in this world is all for naught. That it would be as fleeting as the setting sun and as fragile as the wind that blows to the South. That the entire world will just fall back on itself and leave me stranded between Heaven and Hell. I would rather go down fast then slowly sink in the vanity of it all.

Tell me it isnt. Dont make me realize.

Life is just a dirge unto itself.



Please don't let me fade from your view. Don't lose me in the waves of my misfortunes. The waters' deathly hold is all too familiar. It grasps my indifference with a loving hand, and pulls me down to the water below. Would you accept something so dear to me that is nothing to you? The blood that won't pay what can't be bought?

Please tell me. Make me realize.

Life is not a dirge unto itself






Dirty room...
Dirty mind...
Dirty things cropped up inside
It rolled back, as daylight covered dark
A speck in the eye of eternity thence has gone

An empty room...
A clean mind...
Silence takes to three great fading voices
The earth has rolled back, my name it called
I saw the day shoot through my empty room

for the first time, I think I might have called it home


~Jared

Insomnia

I can't sleep...

What even causes insomnia? Whenever I get insomnia, my mind starts running a million miles per minute, inventing crazy stories and adventures. Almost like dreaming, except wide awake. What does it all mean? Does it mean anything at all? The only things that come to my mind are questions, trying to explain the workings of my own mind.

Theres been so much death around me recently. Nobody I have personally known has died, but I know a lot of people who have friends that have died. Not to mention the fact that Valentines Day just passed, the day of the largest number of suicides and a recent school shooting. Where has the world gone? Where are we going? Where am I going?

Sometimes I feel like I want to be Jack Kerouac and drive across the country. Actually, I think I would like to drive across Mexico, from border to border. Just take three years of my life to not worry about a job or anything else, and just travel. See for myself the world I am haunted by everyday and want to be a part of, hitting my head against the wall until the day that I finally get to get to the other side. If I do, I'm sure it will make an awesome book.

I would be really afraid that I would live a boring life if I didn't know that God knew I loved adventure. I remember the days me and my siblings would read Peter Pan, dreaming and pretending to have adventures in the backyard. I think theres still a part of the little kid in me.

The playa haters today say that nobody gets to be an astronaut when they grow up, and you have to be realistic. I hate it when people say that. How on earth do you know if God's going to place you in the United States or make you an astronaut or send you to some Amazon tribe that doesnt speak your language? Thats the whole adventure in itself. Just following Christ and seeing where you end up. And then when it comes time to leave the earth, you can finally see that life was not nearly as confusing as you thought it was. You'd finally see that everything in your life had a meaning, and that God finally brought the whole adventure of your life full circle. To dust you came, to dust you return.

Ordinarily, I would try and bring this post to full circle, but I'm too tired to try.

You can figure the ending out for yourself...

~Jared

Cleaning Man

Thats what I became Saturday.

I was pretty bummed about it. My favorite spot to be in at work is working on boards, since I get to practice Spanish and not have to deal with stupid customers. Unfortunately, Saturday I was assigned to the exact opposite. Hearing conversations in English and having to mingle with the public while cleaning tables and asking people if they need refills. Bah.

I always found something weird about people who clean for a job. Especially the ones in China. All the cleaning people there had large, wide-brimmed, straw hats that covered their faces completely. Despite the fact that they cross the paths of tourists millions of times in a day, they never notice anybody, and nobody ever notices them. They are, in all practical meanings of the word, invisible. Its almost as if they don't even have souls or something. It really kind of creeps me out.

While not in the same magnitude, I experienced something very similar to that working in the dining room. Despite the fact that my presence is very real, people seem to just shut me out of their minds. I can swerve around them all the time to get a certain spot on the floor where a kid muddied his shoes, but they still might never even acknowledge my existence. I felt a lot like the cleaning people in China.

What is it about some people that we just shut them out of our minds? With cleaning people, most people would argue that it is kind of awkward to see someone cleaning (after all, what do you say to them? Enjoy minimum wage?). Sometimes we don't like to see other people doing work we could be doing ourselves, so we just pretend they don't exist. But do we only do it with cleaning people? Are there other people that we want to pretend arn't there?

Personally speaking (being the introvert that I am) I alot of times want to make myself dissapear. So, taking in the whole of humanity, it means that there is a whole sect of people in the world that are invisible, simply because people dont want to see them and they don't want to be seen.

I can see why alot of postal workers go insane. Being an ignored public servant and having everybody act like you do not exist can tax on your self-esteem and sanity. I can't imagine having to do it as my life career.

The moral of this story: People who clean have a hard job and get completely ignored, and they would all really appreciate it if you acknowledged their existence every once in a while. It might save you if they decide to come into work armed.

~Jared

A Speck in the Eye of Eternity

the title sounds epic, no?

Anyways, work sucked today. On many levels of which I dont feel like getting into right now. Although, for some reason all of that doesnt seem to matter, because when I got out of my car and looked up, all I saw were stars. Unusually enough, my thoughts were not "Oh, God is big," but rather "Oh, my life is insignificant." For the same reason, almost every thing I do (like working) seems extremely worthless. Like I am, as Solomon says, "grasping for the wind." I guess theres a reason Ecclesiastes is my favorite book of the Bible.

Solomon also said that there is no greater joy than for a man to enjoy his work. On this point I'm not so strong. Sometimes I'm wondering why I even have a job, but then I remembered the important word: money. Everything in this world seems to be about money. If you're not making the big bucks, then you're destitute and shunned by society. I wonder if Solomon had that in mind when he wrote Ecclesiastes.

In fact, I think that is one of the things that bothers me most about the world. Why is it there always has to be such a wall of seperation between people who have money and those who dont? Why is it your whole life has to be committed to being "well off" and wealthy?

I hate poverty. I hate how it dehumanizes people in both the eyes of themselves and of other people. I can never explain it, but something about seeing it makes me sick to my stomach. No matter how many times ive seen it, it never becomes "normal" to me.

I remember seeing the poverty in Tijuana. It was probobly the first time I had seen poverty that widespread, and it sickens me almost every day to think about it. People were living in conditions that I never even thought "livable" (whatever that means)

But you know what the craziest thing is? I envy them. Crossing the border as an emotionally unstable person that couldn't give a crap for anyone, I envied those I saw. They had something that I didnt have. They were happy. They cared for their families. They didnt care that they were'nt "well off," they just thanked God for the things they had.

I also remember one person I met at home ministry. It was an old man. A widow. He lived all alone, without children, in a small deserted shack, and as worse off as he was, he told us he still trusted God. You think YOUR faith has been tested?

I dont think I can bear to live with alot of money. It doesnt seem to give anyone pleasure. All people do is run off and do something stupid with it, and then die. I would rather be poor and happy than rich and miserable. I hate being constricted by the "American Dream." Its not my dream. Its someone elses.

This post has gone in circles, and I dont think I know where its gone. I have so many things I want to change, I just dont know how. But, I guess in all fairness I should tie it back to the title. Everything I do seems like a speck in the eye of eternity. Nothing. something that will be flicked out. Yet I know God can change things, even if I cant.

I just got to throw down my net.

~Jared