Joy and All of His Friends

"When we are such as He can love without impediment, we shall in fact be happy." - The C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

(I usually dont discuss religion or spirituality here, but whatever.  its my blog anyways)

Got back from Spain last night.  Quite honestly, the whole experience was amazing, but I sometimes wonder if it all really happened.  Waking up on the return flight to Madrid, I half-imagined that the whole thing was just a dream I had.  I dreamed the people, the place, and the lessons I learned.  Waking up, I descend back into the bowels of everyday life, which never seems to lack depression, pain, and defeat.

Dream or no dream, I feel the most content knowing that I learned things there.  My expectations going there were mostly that I was going to speak Spanish alot, but surprisingly every time I opened my mouth I felt like my speech was impeded, almost as if I wasnt supposed to be speaking, but just observing.  My arrogance wasnt enough that the Hound of Heaven wasnt pursuing me still.  and he caught me this time, because Joy exists.

In college, I have suffered from some of the most intense depression of my life.  There have been days at American where I didnt feel like getting up again, where I wanted freedom from the endless waves of despair and misery that would come over my life.  For me, happiness is a foreign concept, but joy is the most foreign.

Praise God, I have hope these days, and I can muddle through the crazy depression of college with my sanity intact.  I learned what David meant when he said "I wake again, because the LORD sustains me."  In the past, I often prayed for death everytime I went to sleep.  Praise God, I start seeing every day, every sunrise, as a miracle, since every day is another day I'm alive.  Its a perspective that keeps me alive and full of hope, but it doesnt necessarily involve having joy in your life.  Sometimes it impedes it.  Still, I purge away happiness and Joy from my life.  I dont understand it, and most of all I dont feel I deserve it.  I didnt even know what it could look like

In Spain, I actually saw what it looked like, and I saw that it was attainable.  I met people who had it, but even had it in such a way that it was contagious, like it was a thing that couldnt be content with staying on one person, but busied itself with spreading to any person it came in contact with.  After 7 months of on and off depression, I have gotten used to heaviness of heart, but on the wall of a dead Moorish castle, looking at all of Granada, I felt it lift.  For the first time in a long time, I laughed for no reason it all.

Now, I still live in the basement of McDowell, and I still experience depression, but I see the little things alot clearer now.  I'm getting the bravery to smile on a sunny day, or laugh at the simple things in life.  For me, having joy is learning to walk, learning to breath, and maybe the hardest thing I have to do.  But these days I'm becoming ok with the idea of having it in my life, and pursuing it.  Its out there, and thats reason enough.

~Jared