What a person I am

Its 1:30 am and I feel very personal right now, mostly because im running out of time.

In two days, im going to American University, to the city that will likely be my home for the next 5+ years of my life, and to do my best impression of someone that likes meeting new people, or new people in general. Someone told me I needed to open up to the people there. That sounds strange considering I can barely open up to people ive known for a year. What a person I am.

Considering the prospective future I find myself on the brink of, I am facing some of the worst parts of my personality, notably my knack for wanting to shove people I love as far away from me as possible. The fact that I care about them makes me want to shove them away, and the fact that they might care about me scares me to death. Why would I rather shove them away then love them more than I ever have? What a shitty person I am.

I can't type another word. it would only be more useless self loathing tripe. all I really want to say is that i'm sorry. i wish I wasnt like this, but you know by now, Ive never been an easy person.

sorry.

~Jared

Faith Like A Child

Sorry for everyone that has been waiting for a new blog entry. Here it is.
I was in Los Guido today, as I am every single Saturday, doing the kids service in the morning. There are two boys in particular that I have been seeing every Saturday that I have gotten to hang out with a lot, and it always surprises me how much kids will attach to people that just love them. I’ve been to children’s homes and among different groups of street kids in Mexico and I experience the same thing. Some kids just seem like they are dying to be loved.
There was one boy I remember in particular from the children’s home I went to in Mexico. Most of the kids in these children’s homes are sent there because they are orphans or their parents can’t take care of them, or even because some of them have been sexually abused. One boy there was there because his mother couldn’t take care of him, and his mother had busied herself with having a boyfriend. In the end, his mother had come up to him and told him “I don’t love you.” After that he attempted suicide two times. Luckily he found help, or help found him, in time. Some are just dying to be loved.
Today, I saw something amazing. At the park where we were meeting, I saw the boy I had been hanging out with accept the sacrifice Christ made and alter his own destiny. Many would tell me that hes been pressured by the circumstances of his child hood, or peer pressured, but there is something I will never be able to explain in the way a child looks when he prays. Its faith and sincerity that can put any adult to shame. I love it. I want to see that every single day.


~Jared

My new love for country and soccer

On Tuesday I went to my first futbol game ever. I can say with all certainty that I am a changed man now. I’ve never been into watching sports, but watching a live futbol game is like nothing you have ever experienced. It is three times better than any sport we have in the United States. People have wondered why I, as a member of the male species, don’t enjoy watching sports. Well, turns out I was just in the wrong country.

In Costa Rica, we have two futbol teams that really matter: La Liga and Saprissa. In the villa, most all the staff are fans of Saprissa, so many people joke that if you want to succeed in the GAP program, go for Saprissa. On Thursday, I saw them play D.C. United and they tied 2-2 :(. It was kind of dangerous being a gringo and being there, but luckily I was wearing my insurance.

Other things, spanish class is a little boring, its done good to go over basics again. Yesterday I had to try and explain direct object pronouns to the class. I will never be a teacher.

The church I have been assigned to us is a place called Los Guidos, which is one of the barrios (poor areas) of San Jose. Most of the people the live there are nicaraguans who are illegal, and build their houses in this giant hole because the government cant bulldoze them there. Its very much like the situation we have in Los Estados Unidos, and many of the ticos (Costa Ricans) are very unwelcoming to them, because some of them dont work and they are all illegal (sound familiar?)

I am amazed by the pastor of my church there, Pastor Gabriel. When we were driving through Los Guidos, one of the poorest places in San Jose where everything seemed most desolate, he turned to me and all he said was "Es tierra santa" (its holy earth). I wish I had the heart this man had for the poor places of the earth. He was telling me that he and his wife prayed that God would send them to the place that no one else wanted to go, and they wound up in Los Guidos. Its amazing.

Today ill be there all day, doing the childrens meeting in the morning and going to youth group at night (which usually doesnt happen because its so dangerous at night in Los Guidos).

I will leave you with some u2 lyrics, of which I have been listening to as of late. They really speak to my heart.

"And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on"



~Jared

It was rainy today. It is most days here. Although today was different. Today I think I finally got perspective.

It came today in Bible class. Today we were talking about the theory of dispensations, a way of sort of dividing the Bible into differing ways that God has treated mankind. Making the Bible a sort of story book.

I came to this place, Costa Rica, to find rest, to find a fresh start, a solace from all my troubles. Unfortunately, it hasn’t quite been that. I’ve found opportunities, and I’ve also found dead ends. I’ve found healing, and I’ve found heartbreak. I’ve found friends, and I’ve lost friends. I’ve been found by some, lost by others. I’ve never felt more alone, and I’ve never felt so alive.

But is this how the story ends? Does my story end with the dispensation of loss, the dispensation of change? Certainly not.

As I looked at the rain falling outside the classroom, I became aware of a story that has long been going on, and has yet to come to a conclusion. The biggest love story in history. A story of innocence, of loss, of tears, of break up, of heart break, of sacrifice, and of a love that never fails. The story that is being spun, and played by thousands of characters over all eternity.

And if that story hasn’t ended, then it doesn’t seem like mine will either. Ive had to re evaluate my priorities, and now I realize my story is just beginning. Despite the hard times in my life right now, I can hear in the back of my head, an utterance of heaven:

“Little did he know…”

Oh, little do I know. But of the little I do know, I know one thing. Theres much to be done before my part in the story comes to a close, until my happily ever after finally comes.

Until the last chapter, I forever remain

~Jared

Estoy Aqui

Just arrived in Costa Rica yesterday. Internet time is limited, so I have to make this blog quick. Ordinarily I write them out ahead of time, but I havnt had much time this morning, so this must suffice.

So far, the weather is amazing. Its about mid 70s to low 80s here, and its surprisingly clear so I have an awesome view of the mountains surrounding San Jose. Although I think we're expecting rain later this afternoon. The day is still young. I will have to post pictures of it later.

Today, we're supposed to do more orientation as well as walk around the city a bit. I dont start classes until next tuesday, so Im very glad I have a little time to get adjusted to the culture before I settle into a routine.

Right now, the monumental task ahead of me is finding a music store to buy my guitar. If some of you didnt know, it became to expensive to bring mine down here so I decided on buying one here and keeping it down here. I am going through a few music withdrawls, so hopefully I will survive until then.

In the meantime, please feel free to e-mail me. I would love to hear from you guys. jaredphutchins@gmail.com

~Jared

The Breaking Down of Flesh and Blood

The Olympics being on TV for the past few weeks has gotten me thinking about a few things. Namely, it has me thinking about an aspect of mankind that I have been extremely detached from, being mostly unconcerned with both playing sports and watching them.

However, as bored as I am watching the Super Bowel and wondering when they'll stop throwing the piece of leather around and get to the halftime music, I cant help but get riled up when watching my school's volleyball game. Its a part of myself I'm not very in touch with, but it comes out nonetheless.

But why? What is it about sports that can tweak us emotionally?

Then I start thinking about war. Its the same thing in a lot of ways. There are two teams, often both of them are trying to achieve a similar objective, and the clashing of these two teams often causes a split between people. You have some rooting for one team, another rooting for the other team, both want to see their team succeed. It gets both sides emotionally involved with the outcome.

Bot obviously there has to be a difference, right? War often has values driving it, whereas sports if for the simple enjoyment of competition. So, in a way, maybe you could say sports is what you would get if you took all the ideologies out of it, leaving just the thrill of battle and victory. The concept of competitive sports comes from our simple desire to battle.

But where is our desire to battle directed? Against other people? I don't think so. We're not really fighting against each other. What always interested me was the many armistices that happened on Christmas during World War I. Those times always made me think of a football game, where there is fierce competition between the players during game time, but are completely okay with going out for a drink with the other team after the games over. After all, its just a game, right? No reason they cant be friends. I wonder if alot of soldiers have the same outlook towards war. War is just a game they have to play, and when its over they still share their humanity.

So what is our battle against? It would have to be something that isn't human, since we have nothing against humans at their core. How could we? We're the same as them. Its as Paul said: our battle isn't against flesh and blood.

Rather, its against ideologies, the basis of war to begin with. Yet why is it in our battle against ideologies, we kill other humans? Are we really defeating these ideologies? Would the ideology of Islam be dead if every Muslim had been killed? Would Christianity die if every Christian was dead? Would Atheism be gone from this earth if we simply killed all Atheists? There is clearly more to an ideology than the earthly form it takes, and so ideologies cannot be defeated by a simple destruction of its earthly representatives. It has to be defeated in the spiritual realm. Only then can the slaves of an ideology be set free instead of killed.

War is the ultimate curse of mankind. A sort of self imposed suicide. We, mankind, all being equal beings, are cursed with the nature of killing our brothers instead of targeting the ideologies that control them. I believe one author referred to it as "breaking the web of lies." As soldiers in the history long battle of evil, we shouldnt be fooled into thinking our battle is against flesh and blood, but rather against the spiritual strongholds that exist within a certain ideology. Only then can we set the captives free instead of killing them.

Thats all.

~Jared

One More Day

one more day to get it right
one more day to stop my right
oh Lord, let me survive this night
one more day

one more day to find a way
one more day to finally say
the words to make your spirit stay
one more day

one more day to stop it all
one more day to break my fall
is all this darkness worth it all?
one more day

one more day is too much to ask
one more day is too hard a task
but tomorrow night I'll finally relax
after one more day

one more day I'm full of fear
if you're out there, I'm still here
Never leave my side. Its clear.
I need one more day.

Just one more day

~Jared